Monday, May 6, 2013

Not So Bad

Last weekend my father came or a visit, so of course I spent much of Friday doing the "clean-up scurry" around the house.  I was feeling awful because he and my mother expended so much effort and love in January to help me get on top of things, and I had failed to maintain, despite my best laid intentions.

I was so distracted on Friday morning that I misread my daughter's Kindergarten calendar.  I thought she had school this week, so we went through all of the routine of getting there.  Once at school, I realized I didn't recognize any of the other kids or parents in the hallway, and they informed me that it was a "red" Friday instead of a "blue" one.  Well...that was a wake-up call to me that it was going to be quite a day.

As it turns out, having my daughter home that day was a blessing.  She really kept me on my toes, and her excitement about Grandpa coming never waned.  Her ability to keep the ultimate purpose of our efforts in the forefront really kept me motivated.  For entirely selfish reasons, I set her to scrubbing pots (being mom has its privileges ).  She is so sweet, I really got a lot done around the kitchen while listening to her singing a made-up little ditty:

"Scrubby!  Scrubbing!  Pots-pots-pots-pots!
Bubbly!  Bubbles!  Pots-pots-pots-pots!
Rinse-y!  Rinsing!  Pots-pots-pots-pots!"

 That was the most beautiful music I could have in that moment.

She loves to vacuum as well.  I have a little Dirt Devil stick vac, which she has laid claim to since the first day she saw it at barely age 2.  I use the big Hoover and she uses the stick, and we vacuum together.  She has taught me that vacuuming is a fun process when you make it a game that is a cross between bumper-cars and power cord limbo.

As the day progressed, I realized that the house wasn't really that bad!  Sure, we still had to scrub pots, vacuum, make beds and clean bathrooms...but it all was surface.  In the past I would be rearranging the mess, dusting the piles and scurrying, collapsing in an exhausted, sweaty fit of shame and "good enough".  This time, I was able to actually clean and restore my home back to a nice place!

I believe that this is because the underlying energy of love and openness was still there.  My house is almost back in order and it only took an afternoon.  There were piles and dirty dishes and the floor was in dire need of some TLC, and I was able to do it all (with some very adorable help).

I need to discover how to be gentler on myself.  It seemed like a big job up front because in the past it was a big job.  I think that over the course of the past few months, several small habits have changed and that is making the difference.  I am so very hard on myself and I see even the ugliness or "failure" so quickly and clearly.  I treasure beauty so deeply, why don't I focus on that first?  There is a lot of self-talk involved here.

I AM NOT a failure
I AM a beauty-work in progress

I AM NOT a failure
I AM capable of maintaining beauty

I AM NOT a failure
I AM a success

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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