Thursday, May 2, 2013

Mommy or Me?

I had my fifth and final week of PTI this past weekend. It was challenging and beautiful, exhausting and exhilarating, just as PTI always is.  The life-changing aspects, along with the ugly truths that I was forced to face, have made the journey completely worth it.  I would never go back to where I was before this journey.

I didn't have as many instantaneous ah-ha moments this time around, but I did a lot of important work nonetheless.  I am currently sitting with my muddled-up feelings, and trying very hard to be patient while my conscious and unconscious minds chew things over.  The beauty of it all is that I know that if I give myself time and don't try to push it, things will slowly come to me.  They have in the past, and I just need to wait for the beauty to unfold in its own time.

One of the exercises we do on these weekends is called Energetic Psychodrama.  There's not much I can say about it beyond the statement that it is like hypnotherapy times about a hundred.  Never have I gone through something so intense or informative.  It is done with the support of the whole group, and the combined energy is second to nothing.  So much happened in that hour, I know it is going to take me weeks to put it all together.

Part of the take-away that I have been able to act on with immediacy is to stop calling myself "Mommy" when I talk to the kids.  When I say, "Mommy loves you" it does not have the same staying power nor ownership as the statement "I love you".  "Please bring that to Mommy," versus "Please bring that to me."

Somewhere along the journey of my life, my comfort in the identity of me, apart from those I love, has fallen away.  As far as I can remember, my personal identity has always been my father's daughter, my husband's wife, my children's mother...where does that leave me?  I have always been torn between the need to be independent and strong and the feeling of enmeshment with those I love.  Where is the line?

Since I started calling myself "me" instead of "Mommy", I have noticed a tiny shift.  I don't know for sure where the shift lies, is it in my children, in me, in our common energy?  My children seem slightly more respectful, and more apt to listen.  They are little kids, but I think this one change is truly resonating in their little brains.  My words are more meaningful, more powerful, and game-changing.  I feel that my relationship to my children has become slightly clearer and stronger because I am feeling stronger.

Who knew that referring to myself in the first person would make such a difference in such a short time.  It is actually really hard to do on a consistent basis.  I hadn't really realized how often I referred to myself as Mommy in stead of me.  Sometimes it feels somewhat cold and distant, as if some of the endearment is no longer there.  I think this is part of the journey towards reclaiming my own identity, though.  I will have to sever some of the enmeshment in order to stand on my own. The more I have grown accustomed to referring to myself in the first person, the easier it is becoming.  I feel somehow lighter and a bit freer, and stronger with more love to give.

I am one small step closer to being the kind of person I would want my children to emulate.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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