Monday, May 20, 2013

Loving My Anger

I struggle with a deep-seeded anger.  I have been working on it for years, trying to understand why I go from fine to red-line in a snap of a finger.  This isn't a seething crabbiness I'm talking about, it is an explosive fury.  Part of my personal journey has been to really recognize it, catch it, and understand it.

A realization hit me not that long ago.  I need to love my anger, and nurture it like a child.  It is part of me, part of who I am.  My journey is not so much to change myself, but to recognize, love and improve what is already there.

When I recognize the rising barometer in time, I take a deep breath and close my eyes if I can.  I press my feet hard into the floor, and stretch my fingers.  I breathe in and out deeply a few times.  "I love my anger.  My anger is part of me.  My anger needs something.  I nurture and claim my anger.  Hello, my anger.  What is it I really need?"

Funny anger wanes.  It really is like a child.  When a child acts out, and I acknowledge and love them and recognize they have needs, it often confuses them to a point where they are able to come down and express what those needs actually are.  My inner child has been screaming for love an attention for so long, it is like an inconsolable toddler.  Seemingly irrational and out of control, but simply needing to be heard and helped to come back down to earth.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work unless I catch the anger right when it starts to boil.  Sometimes it explodes out of me with a force that scares me.  Like this morning, I shouted at my children with only a mild provocation.  Almost immediately I was filled with remorse, and began to feel myself spiraling into shame.

When I reach that point, I can only catch it on the way down.  I am human, and I am working to accept my weaknesses.  Being fallible stinks.  My struggle with anger is a reality, and it is an integral part of me.  Simply suppressing it or shaming myself will not help me through.  Recognizing, loving and paying attention to the needs of my inner child, and soothing it with my wise adult, are the only ways I will remain functional and level.

I love my inner child.  She is beautiful and creative, she is sweet and good.  She has needs that only my wise adult can meet, and I am working hard every day to listen to what those needs are.  Above all, I need to love  myself with enough respect that it shows in the mirror every time I look.  That is a really tall order, and a difficult one to fill, but I have faith that in time I will get closer and closer.  For the time being, I love and nurture my anger.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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