Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Self Talk

My childhood was a good one, by all accounts.  I was raised with love.  My parents are together, and my home was peaceful, clean and comfortable.  I have a brother and we got along as well as siblings can be expected to.  I never lived in want.

Who told me I was unworthy?  Who told me I am despicable?  Who told me I deserve punishment and neglect?  Who told me I am inferior to my peers?

None of the adults in my life were cruel or mean.  I was not repeatedly given these messages from the outside.  You can blame the media all you want, I am sure "they" contributed to the over-all picture, but they are not responsible for my believing it.

Self-talk got me into this mess, and self-talk is the only thing that will get me out of it.  I am buried so deep in my own shame and self-loathing, that it is like a spring-board, bouncing away all external attempts.  If it doesn't come from within, it simply will not do the job.

I don't know many times a day have I looked at my home and felt my lungs deflate while I mutter, "This sucks.  My house is a pit.  I'm a failure."  Would I ever say this to someone I love?  No way.  I would never walk up to someone and say the things to them that I say to myself.  Who tells a friend that they are a miserable human being and deserve to live in their own filth because it is all they are worth?  If I don't love myself enough to recognize this, there will be no progress.

Self-talk.  I have heard that with children, it will take at least 10 "atta-boys" to counter one negative comment...not removing the scar of the comment, but at least reinforcing the love that lies deeper.  I am a PRO at negative self-talk.  After a lifetime of negative messages, I owe myself countless positive messages if I anticipate any change.

I DESERVE a beautiful home
I DESERVE a clean kitchen floor
I DESERVE to get enough sleep
I DESERVE a beautiful body
I DESERVE my shiny vase collection

I DO NOT deserve dirty sheets on my bed
I DO NOT deserve a mile-high pile of laundry
I DO NOT deserve the stomach ache these 5 Hershey Bars will give me
I DO NOT deserve headaches from stress

There are things I do and do not deserve simply on merit of the fact that I exist in this world.  I believe that the self-talk that gave me those negative views of my own worthiness can be counteracted by different and deliberate self-talk.  Things don't become habit unless they serve a purpose, serve it well, and serve it consistently   I hope that one day I will fully internalize the new things I say to myself about what I do and do not deserve.   Until then, I try.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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