Sunday, January 20, 2013

Two days

My parents agreed to spend 2 of the 3 days they were visiting with their sleeves rolled up and helping me get un-buried from the clutter and mess that I had allowed my house to become.

I DESERVE their love.  I DESERVE to understand that they are acting in love and not in judgment.

My mother says that from the time I was knee high I would not accept help.  No matter how lovingly it was offered or well-intended it was, I would refuse.  I know that for as long as I can remember I have felt that if I let others in to help me with my messes it was a cause of shame and they were judging me.  My sense of self-worth would go right out the window.

It was an exciting two days.  I think swallowing my pride and asking for the help, and then recognizing the REALITY of the love with which it was offered, was the hardest part.

On Day One I think we were all nervous.  We started in the easiest room, the Front Room (or formal sitting room, I guess you'd call it)  We diffused the tension with humor, and we worked hard.  It was so easy to stay focused because I had done a lot of work before hand to prepare myself.  I kept reminding myself to stay present and in the moment.

After a few hours, I lost focus and felt myself running around.  You know, when you pick up one little thing, run around with it, put it down, pick up something was not useful to the process at all.  I recognized it and stopped.  I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, felt my feet ground to the floor and stabilized my energy centers. The rest of the day I managed to remain completely honest and present.

The afternoon was met with a greater challenge:  The Dining Room/My Office.  It is the depository for crafts,  paperwork, bins, and the "what do we do with this thing" items.  I had a meeting (it was still a work day for me) so I had to sit out for an hour.  My AMAZING parents continued working.  When I came back, the garbage was all gone and all of the things were laid out in the floor for me to decide about.

Talk about a process!  I made a point of making rapid decisions.  Each thing was handled only once.  I tried to be as harsh and realistic as possible.  I asked myself two questions:  Is it beautiful?  Does it serve a purpose?  The ideal items were things where I could say "yes" to both.  I went as fast as I could.  Keep!  Toss!  GoodWill!

At the end of a seven-hour day, we had the Front Room completely organized and cleaned, the Office/Dining Room cleaned up and decluttered, and my mother had made a huge dent in getting some appliance-cleaning done in the kitchen.  I sat down and looked around and felt discouraged.  After all those hours of tidying and purging, I was still surrounded by STUFF.  I was really hoping to minimalize and it just felt like it was binned up again.  My mother encouraged me by saying that there still is a lot of STUFF, but there is less of it.  Also, my house has no closets.  (Seriously, whoever designed this house was a real dope.  There is not a single closet on the first floor, and the only non-clothing closet upstairs is an 18-inch-wide linen closet.)

The second day we approached with a very different energy.  On Day One we had all been in the two rooms working together on furniture and the scary pile.  On Day Two, my mother cleaned the was such a chaotic mess that it took her all day.  My father manned the kids' closets like a hero.  He arranged them to be such an efficient use of space it is highly admirable.  That took him all day, too.  I organized my desk, and the "junk table".

I realized that this "junk table" only collected junk because it is there.  So, I made the executive decision to remove it entirely.  HAH!  Junk...find a new home!  I also went through some plastic drawers and threw out some old correspondence.  There was a lot of negative energy that I was preserving there, and I read some things one last time and disposed of them.  Why do we hold onto that garbage? I can remember it just fine without cluttering my life with it.  And if I what?

I was brutal again about what to keep and what to throw out.  After Day One, I had some real momentum, and on Day Two it really kept flowing.

I did lose my temper with my mother one time, but I immediately apologized and excused myself to go and get grounded.  She was pushing for answers about what to do with some things, and I had already told her not to get rid of them we were storing them.  Every time she came across them she would push, and I lost my temper.  After that, and my apology, she didn't ask again.  I'm not proud of the fact that I lost my temper, but I am proud of myself that I had the wherewithal to apologize right away and to move on with no judgment.

I feel so light.  There was a lot that was removed from my life this past week.  A trip to GoodWill feels freeing.  I DESERVE to feel this way!  I DESERVE a home free of garbage, negative energy or clutter!

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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