Thursday, January 24, 2013

Stress and Fear of Failure

When I see a mess forming...I feel stress riding on its heels.  I fear that one dirty dish that starts the cascade.  You know the one.  The dishwasher is full, I'll empty it later, so I'll put my dish on the counter instead.  After that, they pile up almost instantly. I am living with a good-sized dose of fear.

I have worked hard to get my house in this condition, and I am working hard at consciously maintaining it.  In years past, I have found systems to whip the house into shape, only to let it slide in a month or two.  It is all a bit different this time, the drive is coming from a deeper source.  The goal is beauty, for ME, rather than abating shame over what I think I should be doing.  There is a change...but I am still me, and I still share the house with 3 other people who are not going through the internal changes that I am going through.  Am I strong enough?

How long until my desire to "do it later" wells up and kicks me?  I fear my procrastination. This inner saboteur is trying ever-so-hard to make its way out, and I don't know how to release it to the wind.  It is still an integral part of me.  I am trying to learn to love this side of myself.  At some point in my life, these tendencies filled a need and I had convinced myself that they were serving me.  I am trying to love them as part of what has shaped me, and release them for healthier behaviors.

Am I setting myself up for failure by even trying to succeed? I am still weak.  My fingernails are chewed completely off.  I overate on candy.  I lost my temper at my children.  I chose not to do my set cleaning chores for one day and I still feel guilt/shame...I want to learn how to relax and get over it.  The bathrooms are not so bad that they can't wait another week.  Bathroom cleaning day is Monday.  It's not the end of the world.

This fear of failure is painful, almost as painful as the fear of success that it results from.  Sometimes, this sense of looming dread and anxiety wells up in me and I feel almost paralyzed.  I have failed at this housekeeping gig before, I feel like it is only a matter of time.  I have grown beautiful fingernails only to chew them to oblivian during a movie.  Weight loss is something I've done with success several time, and I'm even better at putting it all back on with a vengeance.

There is a new weapon in my arsenal.  I DESERVE BEAUTY. This was not present before.  This time, it is all about me and there is no shame in it.  I not only want and should have beauty in my life, it is something I deserve.  I do not have the right to deny it to anybody, especially myself!

The beauty within my home is gaining momentum.  I feel better at it every day.  It is like starting a new relationship.  I'm in the middle of the giddy, awkward and shy stage, and but I am starting to wonder about where this is headed.  I still have a long way to go, a fierce uphill battle.  I am really putting off the Master Bedroom, that is going to be a big job, but based on how I feel now I think I will feel exponentially more proud when that is accomplished.

Once the house is complete, then what?  I don't want to stagnate, but the idea of moving on to another part of my existence terrifies me. What is up next? My body?  My yard?  My job?  Remaining present and fully conscious is my goal, and presently my beauty project is my home.  Once my house is in order, the next step will reveal itself with greater clarity.

Wow.  Those words sure come out easy.  My head is really swirling over it all.  I'm still figuring out what I seem to believe I should think and what I should do, versus where I really stand.

I DESERVE my beautiful home and the good feelings I have.
I DO NOT deserve anxiety over what is coming around the corner.
I DESERVE success.
I DO NOT deserve failure.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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