I Deserve?

I have a personal goal to allow beauty into my life.  I don't know where it is going to take me but I have had some recent experiences that are causing an internal shift.  The first step I plan to take towards that goal is to live in a clean home full of natural light and beauty.

For so long, my home has been a manifestation of how I feel on the inside:  sloppy, gross and generally unpleasant.

I have been repeating to myself for my entire adult life, "I want a clean home.  I want to tidy up."  Then my inner saboteur takes over and says, "I DON'T want to clean the house!  I DON'T want to tidy up! I am a terrible housekeeper!"  This voice is really loud and oh-so-tempting to listen to.  It really is easier to close the curtains, turn on the TV and disappear into self-loathing, shame and denial...it is a temporary release until the sun comes up the next morning and I have to shift through piles and pick gross things off my socks.

For right now, I am choosing to repeat to myself, "I DESERVE a clean home.  I DESERVE love and beauty."  It is a very radical shift and will take a great deal of practice.  There are so many things I have convinced myself I am incapable or undeserving of.  

I have always iterated that all people deserve love and goodness on merit of the fact that they are human beings.  For some reason, I lost myself in the mix.

My parents are coming to visit this afternoon, so this morning I vacuumed the family room and the kids' rooms.  I wiped down the counter and toilet in the kids' bathroom, and put fresh sheets on the beds in E's room so they have somewhere to sleep.  All the while I was saying, "I DESERVE a clean floor.  I DESERVE a clean floor..." and gradually it became less about doing what I was supposed to do and more about doing something kind for myself.  It is a baby step, but I opened all of the curtains and blinds to shine natural light on my freshly vacuumed floor.

I have high hopes.  There have been several failed attempts at housekeeping.  I have created for myself a badge of shame and failure as a result.  I have set some clear goals this time, and I am trying a new approach:  I DESERVE a clean home, rather than I SHOULD HAVE a clean home.  It is small, but I can feel the difference already.  There is even the help of a professional organizer in my future.

It is not selfish to feel you deserve beauty.  I am learning this.  What a difficult thing to understand and accept!

A friend send me this in an email:  I really appreciate what Louise Hay says about abundance and deserving what we want. She says "allow yourself to have, whether you think you deserve it or not". Also deserving is not about "getting things." Everything is already there, waiting for us. It's about "allowing ourselves to have it". We CAN just let it all in. 

I am deserving of beauty!