Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I Can't Stop Smiling

I shined the glass top of the coffee table.  There was sticky stuff on it, grime in the edges, and I even flipped it and did the other side.  Every time I see it, I smile like a fool.  I am giddy watching TV because every time I glance down I see my beautiful coffee table.

These small successes are exhilarating.  I am ever-so-slowly reclaiming and owning the beauty that can be my home.  For so long I have disliked the energy of my home, disliked how mish-mashed it all feels.  Every time I own a part of it and claim the beauty as my own, I get a small thrill.

I can't stop smiling, my face is starting to hurt.  My kitchen floor is awesome.  My coffee table is gleaming.  My carpets are clean.  In under a week, the kids have figured out that they have to put their toys away if they plan on eating supper. I took apart the vacuum and washed the filters, even using an old toothbrush on the components.  I even wiped down my kitchen appliances and used the bread maker again today.

These feelings are wonderful.  We spend a lot of time questioning why we feel bad, what the causes of bad feeling are, and where we feel them.  I am trying to study why I feel so good, and where I feel it.  I feel it  most strongly in my chest and in my scalp.  These feelings are so good, I am trying to really focus on them and anchor them in place so they are familiar.  I plan to use them for a reference point when the low days come and when things start to get tough.  Closing my eyes, I am imagining myself feeling this way, ALLOWING myself to feel this way, and believing that I DESERVE to feel this way.

I am so proud of what I have done.  My parents gave me a really good push out of the gate, but I have kept the ball rolling.  My efforts to live consciously are a challenge.  Periodically I realize that I have set the TV  remote down in some random spot in another room (why was it upstairs on the changing table when I was home alone all day?).  Seeing and absorbing the positive energy of the BEAUTY around me is helping.  It is getting easier to sweep the kitchen in the evening, and I hope that some day this will become an automatic activity that I do without having to deliberately set myself to the task.

Meanwhile, I can't stop smiling, and I plan to ride this wave absolutely as far as it will take me.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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