Monday, January 21, 2013

It's Really Faster Up Front!

I have always been irritated by having to stop what I'm doing to pick something up, clean something or put something back immediately in its place.  The flow of what I am doing overrides my better judgment.  It is annoying to have to stop to pick up something that has dropped, or to get out the step-stool to put something back on a shelf.

Nothing triggers my defenses faster than the old saying, "A place for everything, and everything in its place!"

I always felt that it was such a nuisance to bother with making sure something is square in its spot or put away correctly.  Having had a relatively tidy home for almost a week now, I am learning that this nuisance is so much more bearable than the alternative.  I still find myself resisting it, but the (still very intentional and consciously invoked) mantra that I DESERVE the beauty that will result is really starting to make the resistance wane.

I cleaned out the cabinet in the kitchen that started its life as a medicine shelf and quickly became a catch-all.  I gutted it, threw out all expired medicines and tidied it up.  There is a lot of space in that little cupboard!  I put a packet with the lighters for my candles, and the stick I use to light my jar candles, in there.  After using the packet to light my candle and replacing the lighters and stick neatly, I realized how much calmer I felt.  Rather than going through the frustration of hunting for the lighter, second-guessing whether or not lighting a candle was worth the trouble, locating the lighter and having a cascade of papers, gum and medicine fall on the floor, then throwing it all back into the pile when I was done...I was able to light my candle, put the lighters away in their neat little spot, close the cupboard and go about my life.

It seems like such an obvious thing.  It takes a little bit of time to make sure things are put away where they belong, but when you need them again it is a much less stressful experience.  Like the dishes.  I can just let them sit dirty and grumble while I scrub them clean when I need them, or I can wash them right away so when I need to get supper on the table it is a matter of pulling them from the cupboard.

These things are all so easy to say.  I have had them said to me, and modeled for me, all my life.  Intellectually I KNOW this, I am only just now truly understanding and internalizing it for myself.  For some people this is a natural instinct, like it is for my mother and my mother-in-law.  So much of my life has been spent feeling like a housekeeping failure, like a lazy slob, like I'm just too dumb to really get how to do it, wallowing in shame.  I've spent so long feeling like all I deserve is to be buried under my own mountains and incapable of living a full life.  Something has changed and I can feel it growing ever-so-slowly.  The "I don't wanna!  It's not worth it!"  that really translates to "I'm not worth it!" is ever so slightly waning right now, through a very conscious and often difficult process.

And the little cupboard is now beautiful.  Having the things in their places leaves no room for the frustration and embarrassment of the messes, and the space is left open for the quiet pleasure of the tidy space and room for me to enjoy my candle right away.  I DESERVE the beauty of my tidy cupboard and the aroma of my candle. I DESERVE the freedom of knowing where my things are.  I DESERVE the added time for enjoyment of my beautiful things...which I can allow for myself by consciously taking that small time up front to put things away.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

No comments:

Post a Comment