Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Conscious? Not Yet.

Living consciously and staying aware of myself are proving to be a massive challenge.  Sometimes it feels like I'm focusing on failure because I am constantly having to bring myself back to now.

While kissing my husband, I had to remind myself three times to focus on what I was doing and the feelings I was enjoying.  I started thinking of work, then about what time I had to get the kids, then what's for dinner.  Each time I had to stop my thoughts and bring them back around to the moment.  I started feeling ashamed that I couldn't just turn off my monkey-brain long enough to focus on my husband and sharing love with him. This is not shameful, this is real.  I am continually hopeful that with each monkey-brain situation that arises, I can be more able to allow my brain to return to now.

Taking my daughter to Kindergarten this morning, I was celebrating with her that this week is her turn to be "Star of the Week".  She made a profile to hang up, and took some treasures for a special show-and-tell.  We were on time, and we were chatting.  I made her a special lunch, and she got to wear her fancy "high heels" to school for the occasion.  What I didn't notice:  I left my cell phone upstairs, and I didn't close the door to the garage all the way.  I was only partially present in the now.

When I got home, there was a Pierce County Sheriff vehicle in my driveway and an officer walking around my home.  I had set the alarm, and it had gone off and notified the alarm company...who called my cell phone, then my husband, then my mother-in-law.  My husband called 911 and had them come check things out.  I cleared things up with the police (a second Sheriff vehicle showed up while I was explaining), and went upstairs to grab my phone.  There were 11 missed calls.  My husband drove all the way home from work in a fright.  I had to make several phone calls and apologies this morning.  I'm working through the embarrassment.  

My confusion now is...what did I do wrong?  There were two very important now situations that required my attention.  Living fully in the present can't be monocular, because sometimes Mommy has to do more than one thing at a time.  How do I find that balance?  I needed to celebrate with my daughter about her big day and help her be ready for it, but I also needed to set the alarm and make sure I had my cell phone.

These things were not happening at the same exact same time, but there was a certain amount of shifting back and forth of my attention.  How do I focus on now when there are two different things happening now that are requiring my attention?  How do I keep either one from suffering when both are important?

I believe my subconscious is trying to help me.  After I got into the garage, I realized I didn't have my cell phone.  Twice on the way to school, I felt my purse and realized it was missing.  On the way home I was reminding myself to go up and get the phone right away and put it in my purse.  I was not present in the now of driving.  I'm so confused.

My unfocused, unconscious state this morning had an impact on so many people.  It was a real wake-up call about all of the work I still have yet to do.  I feel a bit deflated because I have been feeling so good about my progress to this point.  Being reminded of how far I have yet to climb is discouraging, it is not a beautiful feeling.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that all I can control is now.  I made a mistake, but there is still beauty right now.  I was unconscious this morning, but I can strive to be fully conscious now.

I DESERVE to be a conscious human being.
I DO NOT deserve to be punished for when I slip.

I DESERVE the kindness and compassion my husband showed me this morning.
I DO NOT deserve this feeling of discouragement.

I DESERVE to listen to my subconscious and give its voice some credit.
I DO NOT deserve to constantly be second-guessing my instincts.

I DO NOT deserve embarrassment or shame.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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