While kissing my husband, I had to remind myself three times to focus on what I was doing and the feelings I was enjoying. I started thinking of work, then about what time I had to get the kids, then what's for dinner. Each time I had to stop my thoughts and bring them back around to the moment. I started feeling ashamed that I couldn't just turn off my monkey-brain long enough to focus on my husband and sharing love with him. This is not shameful, this is real. I am continually hopeful that with each monkey-brain situation that arises, I can be more able to allow my brain to return to now.
Taking my daughter to Kindergarten this morning, I was celebrating with her that this week is her turn to be "Star of the Week". She made a profile to hang up, and took some treasures for a special show-and-tell. We were on time, and we were chatting. I made her a special lunch, and she got to wear her fancy "high heels" to school for the occasion. What I didn't notice: I left my cell phone upstairs, and I didn't close the door to the garage all the way. I was only partially present in the now.
When I got home, there was a Pierce County Sheriff vehicle in my driveway and an officer walking around my home. I had set the alarm, and it had gone off and notified the alarm company...who called my cell phone, then my husband, then my mother-in-law. My husband called 911 and had them come check things out. I cleared things up with the police (a second Sheriff vehicle showed up while I was explaining), and went upstairs to grab my phone. There were 11 missed calls. My husband drove all the way home from work in a fright. I had to make several phone calls and apologies this morning. I'm working through the embarrassment.
My confusion now is...what did I do wrong? There were two very important now situations that required my attention. Living fully in the present can't be monocular, because sometimes Mommy has to do more than one thing at a time. How do I find that balance? I needed to celebrate with my daughter about her big day and help her be ready for it, but I also needed to set the alarm and make sure I had my cell phone.
These things were not happening at the same exact same time, but there was a certain amount of shifting back and forth of my attention. How do I focus on now when there are two different things happening now that are requiring my attention? How do I keep either one from suffering when both are important?
I believe my subconscious is trying to help me. After I got into the garage, I realized I didn't have my cell phone. Twice on the way to school, I felt my purse and realized it was missing. On the way home I was reminding myself to go up and get the phone right away and put it in my purse. I was not present in the now of driving. I'm so confused.
My unfocused, unconscious state this morning had an impact on so many people. It was a real wake-up call about all of the work I still have yet to do. I feel a bit deflated because I have been feeling so good about my progress to this point. Being reminded of how far I have yet to climb is discouraging, it is not a beautiful feeling. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that all I can control is now. I made a mistake, but there is still beauty right now. I was unconscious this morning, but I can strive to be fully conscious now.
I DESERVE to be a conscious human being.
I DO NOT deserve to be punished for when I slip.
I DESERVE the kindness and compassion my husband showed me this morning.
I DO NOT deserve this feeling of discouragement.
I DESERVE to listen to my subconscious and give its voice some credit.
I DO NOT deserve to constantly be second-guessing my instincts.
I DESERVE now.
I DO NOT deserve embarrassment or shame.
I deserve BEAUTY in my life!
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