Thursday, March 28, 2013


I have a disheartening and painful confession to make.  My hope is that by making it public, I may gain some energetic encouragement.

I have fallen off the cleanliness wagon and into entropy.

There are great feelings of shame and inadequacy welling up inside of me as I confront it.  The part of me that was feeling so energized, proud and successful is weeping.  I was working so hard to keep my nose pointed ahead, and keep my attitude one of I CAN.

The excuses pile up faster than the dishes.  I took a week off to take care of me and rest.  Then the following week I felt like a slug and struggled to get out of bed in the morning.  Then all of last week I was fighting a case of  salmonella.  Now this week is mostly over, and every time I take a look at my house I want to curl up and disappear.  I hide from it in my office, spending the day staring at my computer.  It has been a month since I last mopped, vacuumed, dusted or tidied...and it shows.

My Beauty Box is sitting under some papers on the kitchen counter, beckoning to me. It no longer calls out to me with shame, but it is still calling.

Why is this so hard?  I was never any kind of athlete, I'm not a fantastic cook, I am no kind of artist, my social skills leave something to be desired...why is it so hard to exist competently?  I know from the weeks I spent really knocking it out of the park that I am capable of maintaining a home.  I have also proved to myself once again that I am really good at falling off the wagon.

Now is the time I have to take my own advice.  The only person I can control is me. The only day I have at my disposal is today.  If I take it just one little task at a time it will happen.  I truly believe these things.  I am sad that I have let myself down.

Things are BETTER than they were.  I am better about putting away certain things, and my pantry is still in order.  The kids are still picking up their toys every evening.  Things are definitely better than they were before my parents and I broke a sweat and cleaned the joint.  I am just infinitely discouraged that my bad habits have reared their heads once again.

I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, energetic embrace, or whatever it is that you utilize for healing.  Please help me to get back on track.  Every good thought, prayer or energy focus will help me put one foot in front of the other.  I hope to have my living spaces back to something I can be proud of soon.  I will start with one small thing, and let it develop naturally, as it did before.  This is really hard.  Entropy sucks.

I DESERVE a beautiful home.
I DO NOT deserve sticky counters.

I DESERVE a shiny kitchen floor
I DO NOT deserve pine needles on the carpet

I DESERVE to feel proud
I DO NOT deserve shame
I DESERVE love and respect
I DO NOT deserve this crushing weight of failure

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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