Commitment

Do I trust myself?  That is the question on my mind.  I have made a commitment to allowing more beauty into my life.  I am making it known to the universe by publishing my progress and goals.  Energetically I am working towards it.  But my question is...do I believe it deep enough to trust myself on an unconscious level?

I deserve beauty.  But since I have so much trouble believing in and relying on myself, I am in conflict.  I don't think I trust the me of the future.  My future self has let me down too many times:  I set goals, or start on a positive path, only to be my own best saboteur.  I feel good today, and then the me of tomorrow takes over and demeans my efforts and strips them away.  I revert to where I was before, with the added feelings of failure and shame.

I don't know how these two disparate people came to be, but they don't trust each other.  I am torn.  I deserve beauty and success, and I want it.  I don't deserve to fear the me of tomorrow.  Living consciously means living solely with the me of today, because the me of tomorrow doesn't exist yet.  Do I like me?  I sure want to.  Why am I so scared to?

My little bird has reminded me to take tiny little steps forward.  I will admit, little steps are less intimidating, but the ultimate commitment is still scary.  Today I am experiencing a great deal of resistance to my forward momentum.  I am trying to use my small reminders of beauty to help me along, like my I CAN mantra, the fresh flowers on my table, playing with my kids, and looking at the little steps I have taken this week  (making the guest bed and cleaning the freezer).

There are a lot of thoughts about it swirling in my head.  Part of it could be lack of sleep or the cold medicine, but my mind is racing.  The little bird keeps sitting on the tangled pile of my thoughts and scolding me forward.  I just close my eyes and see the little guy reminding me of the strength I have to claim any and all small victories.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!