Friday, February 1, 2013

The Space is Too Big

There is a strangely emotional side-effect to a tidy home with nothing on the floor or tabletops.  Suddenly, there is a lot of space in my living areas.  There is a lot of space in my kitchen, particularly with the two-story ceiling and the skylight.  Sometimes I get nervous because it feels like there is nowhere to hide.  Everything is beautiful and in its place, and I feel anxious.  I deserve open space and room to move.  I deserve this beauty...I think.

Everything feels big and empty, and I feel exposed.  I wanted to be free of clutter and grime, and I have achieved a big chunk of what I was asking for.  There is now a lot of open space that I don't know how to fill.  The energy of the shame from clutter is being removed, and now there is a kind of void or vacuum there.  This is an odd feeling.  What is the root of this?  Why do the open space and cleanliness make me so nervous all of a sudden?

I don't feel this way when I am in nature, either in woods or an open field.  The fresh air and space are freeing and joyous to me.  My desire is to impart some of this energy into the newly opened spaces of my home. Clutter invokes "darkness" to me, and openness invokes "light", so perhaps my eyes just haven't adjusted yet.

The only doors in the downstairs section of my home are to the bathroom and the outside.  My kitchen ceiling is the full two stories high, with a skylight.  From room to room there are only wide, large openings.    There are a lot of strange corners and angles where walls and spaces meet, but ultimately there is mostly just openness and air.

There is beauty in feeling like there is light and air in spaces were there were darkness and clutter.  As I strive against the clutter, there is part of me that is still crying out for it and fearing it at the same time.  The conflict going on inside of me is distressing and uncomfortable.  My 3-year-old dumped out all of the toys this morning and I didn't notice it until after he was already at daycare.  The messy pile triggered something within me, both relief over clutter and fear that this was going to be the event that ends my success.  Perhaps I am grieving the changes, the loss of my old way of living.  I am trying to not fall into being a victim of my home while sorting out what realistic living looks like, and it is really hard.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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