Friday, February 15, 2013

Not Feeling It

I don't feel deserving and I don't feel beautiful today.  Today is a tough one.  For some reason there is no passion.  I feel empty. Numb.  I think I must need to meditate.

My 3-year-old son "helped" me build an etagere in the bathroom, and that was fun, even though a quarter of  the time was spent intermittently convincing him to give me back the screwdriver.  I even was able to keep my spirits up when I had to take the thing apart three times because I wasn't paying enough attention.  Now I have a wobbly, but nice, shelf over my toilet.  It is a beautiful thing.  Now I can put my towels there, and have room in the one closet in my house for other things, like blankets.  I have a little bit of a spark looking forward to figuring out how to use it efficiently and beautifully.

Consciously, I know it is true that I deserve beauty.  Today, at my core, I feel like I deserve the 2 days' worth of grime on the kitchen floor, the slowly building pile by the door, last night's dirty dishes, and this downtrodden feeling.

I hate it when days like this pop up.  No matter what or how much I try, I can't seem to shake it.  I have tried deep breathing, I tried completing a project, I tried singing...nothing.  I am still a basket case, and I am still furious with my children for the smallest, pretty typical, things.

I know I deserve beauty in my life.  I know I can keep going because tomorrow is going to be a new day.  I know that if I just make it through the minimum motions, I will get past this.  The symptoms jump up so quickly, I haven't had an opportunity to watch for where they come from.  Is it cyclical?  Is it weather-related?  Sleep? I think I need to keep a log, but I am not sure of what.

Today is resting on the fact that I accomplished one thing that I have wanted to do for weeks.  I know that soon enough I will get my feet back under me, I just need to work today on keeping my vision in front of me rather than behind.  Things will get better, they always do.  One foot in front of the other.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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