Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Honeymoon is Over

It is getting a little more difficult to feel the urgency to wipe, clean or pick up.  Old habits are trying hard to come back.  Being conscious is helping me fight them off, but it is hard. I'm in the "ready to quit" stage.  I'm in the FORCING myself stage.  I have already begun to resume the "I'll do it later" response to piles.

I was afraid of one snag that would trip me up.  A week ago, I was sick and went to bed without wrapping the house up.  I woke up to a pan in the sink, laundry in the dryer, cushions in the living room in disarray and crusties on the floor.  I headed straight to the victim ideas about failure.  It took me almost an entire day just to get my momentum to keep moving FORWARD.  I was ready to give up.  I still feel a bit flat from it this much later - like I started an avalanche that is inevitable so I may as well let it come.

Why do I allow grime this kind of power over my psyche?  A wet rag and thirty seconds will wipe the counter.  One minute of scurrying will tidy the Family Room.  Two minutes of sweeping will fix the kitchen.  How do I feel like a failure already?  This is so discouraging and triggering my shame responses.

I went on a retreat this weekend.  For the three days I was gone, my family did their best to maintain order and tidiness, so I was pleasantly surprised when I returned.  Being out of my loop has put a ding in my momentum again, though.  Someone said to me this weekend, "If you move your butt, your head will follow."  I have been trying to tell myself this for the past three days and I feel my energy and passion getting lower and lower.

The beauty I deserve is still there.  My craving for beauty is as strong as ever.  The general untidiness feels like it is creeping in, one misplaced item at a time.  I feel like I'm trying to hold off a tidal wave.  Even though I have made it okay to skip my cleaning tasks for a day when I am sick, I just don't believe in myself to be able to recover from it.

My goal for today is to meditate and stay present.  I will make sure to breathe deep and get back in touch with the inspiration I felt at the beginning of my journey.  Deep down I know there is still that giddy feeling of a clean kitchen floor and a shiny coffee table.  I need to get back in touch with and wholly reclaim that feeling.  I know that I am strong enough, and I know that I am worth it.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life.

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