Friday, July 26, 2013

My Me-Shine

This summer, we have developed a new nap-time routine.  My kids lay on either side of me on the big bed, and we each sing a song as we settle in.  My 5-year-old daughter sings all four verses of the Caspar Babypants version of "Baa Baa Black Sheep", my 3-year-old son sings the alphabet, and I sing our own variation of "You Are My Sunshine."

I have been singing that song to my children since before they were born.  I wanted something to sing to them, and as I wracked my brain, it is the best I could come up with.  Now, whenever they hear it they call it "Mommy's song." I am glad that I have given them something positive to associate with me.

My kids then tell me to sing it about different people, Daddy, Grandma, each gets to be a bit of a tongue-twister, but I do it.  They love the last line, where I say, for example, "Please don't take my Daddy-shine away!"

My daughter said to me earlier this week, "You need to add a verse about yourself!  We love you, so you need your own verse, too."

It took a bit for me to choke the words out through my own hesitations, but I made it through.  Each time they tell me to make sure I sing about myself.  It has grown into a real exercise in valuing myself and loving me as much as I do others:
I am my sunshine, my only sunshine.
I make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love me.
Please don't take my me-shine away.

At first it seems a bit narcissistic and awkward.  Granted, it is a bit silly.  But how often do I sing a love-song to myself?  If I struggle to see my own beauty and value enough to sing a silly song, how can I be serious about it?  Can I make me happy when skies are grey?  Are my internal resources close enough to mind for me to be the sunshine for my own soul?

I am thankful for my daughter for telling me to sing a song of love for myself.  She was really onto something, there.  How often do I forget to send my love inwards, as I am so intent on sending it out?

I am a good, decent and kind person.  There is nothing so awful about me to make me undeserving of love or beauty.  So, why do I find it so hard to love myself in general?  I've gone back up into my head, trying to convince myself that I deserve beauty, having let my focus away from the internal and deeper knowing of my own deservedness, power and beauty.  I thank my children for forcing me to look at it again.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

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