Just This Moment

When Pope Francis was elected, I watched on TV.  I was so intrigued by the fact that so many people were recording on their phones and devices, I wondered if any of them were actually watching the event.  Of the thousands of people there, only a handful of them were actually there.  How often have I been so hard-set on getting a picture or video that I actually miss what is going on?

I realized it for myself when I was at the Children's Museum with my kids a while ago.  The theme was yellow rubber duckies, and there was a play pit full of them.  The kids were having a blast, rolling around and piling them up.  I had my phone out and was calling to them to look here, pose there, smile at me...and when I looked at the pictures later I realized I hadn't spent one second of the time simply watching them play or even playing along.  I couldn't even remember their laughter as they giggled in a pit of rubber ducks.

A bit after the fact, but still pretty cool.

This evening, the moon was rising over Mount Rainier in a phenomenal view.  It was just coming over the top, and as such the moon was enormous and almost full.  I started darting my attention around, trying to find a place to pull over and capture it.  There was a man on a motorcycle who was almost frantically trying to find a place to take a picture.  He would zoom past me, pull over, snap a shot, then zoom further down the road to take another shot.

I realized that in my desperation to take a picture, I was denying myself the enjoyment of this sight.  I took a breath and really let it sink in.  The moon was soft and nearly full, and appeared almost as wide as the top of the mountain.  It was extraordinary, like something you'd see in a National Geographic magazine, or a coffee table book.  True, having a picture to share on Facebook would be fun, but does the pursuit of the picture need to override the moment itself?

How annoyed am I that I missed one of Ichiro's final home-runs as a Mariner because I was trying so hard to get a picture of it?  It is an interesting mind-set to explore.  The great thing about the digital era is that I can take a thousand pictures of something and not be "wasteful".  But I wonder how much of my own life-experience I am missing because I'm trapping myself behind a lens.  How much of my children's joy am I genuinely missing because I'm so busy trying to capture photographic evidence?

I love taking pictures.  I love the challenge of figuring out how to frame a picture for maximum impact.  I love being able to capture a moment of beauty when it arises.  I need to find balance.  There is a beauty in balance, how much photo time I need to put in and how much time with my camera in the bag simply soaking up the energy of the moment.  My children won't remember all of the pictures I take, but they will remember if I was looking at them in person or through a viewfinder.  It is not often I see the full moon behind the mountain in such a breathtaking way, why not simply experience it?

That's it.  I need to clarify within myself when to capture beauty, and when to simply let it flow.  For now, I plan to practice observing and enjoying beauty, and letting some of the fleeting moments go.  They are fleeting for a reason.  The beauty is to be experienced and shared.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

A Little Hiccup

I haven't written in over a month, and I have missed it greatly.

This blog is a form of journal for me, a way to keep my thoughts straight and figure out what I'm thinking, feeling and learning along the way.

For a while now I have felt lost, a bit confused, and adrift.  My desire to be on a quest for beauty waned somewhat, and I lost sight of it.  Only this week, in conversation with a friend from my PTI, did I realize how much my focus on DESERVING beauty has waned.  I have been feeling weak, ugly, incapable and like a fraud.  It was too embarrassing to think about getting back to writing because I had fallen so far from my original intent.

Even though I know it is somewhat silly, I often find the messages in fortune cookies to be timely.  My favorite was the one I got on December 19, 2007 that said, "Welcome the change coming soon into your life."  I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and my daughter was born about 10 hours later.  That one is pasted in her baby book.

Yesterday, I got one that said, "Functioning superbly comes automatically to you."  I got to thinking about it, and decided it is more of a blessing than a fortune.  You know what?  I can function superbly.  This is encouraging to me.  I've been in a very rough spot, personally and spiritually, but I have been feeling a kind of up-swing this week.  I think I am ready to get back to having my eyes forward, practicing functioning superbly again.

I deserve to function superbly.  I deserve the beauty of functioning well.  I deserve feelings of gratitude for life and its challenges.  I deserve to be on the other side of this funk and get back to beauty.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

The Cheering Squad

This morning, I was nervous to spend a whole day with my kids alone.  My husband is working a Saturday shift, and I have really been struggling with feeling frazzled by my kids lately.  I went to bed last night determined that this would be a GOOD day.

I woke up early, before the kids and my husband.  I sat in the cool quiet downstairs and steeled myself for the day.  I wanted to have a good day and that would be it. The intentions were set, and that is how it was going to be.

It is fascinating how really setting my intentions can make something happen.  I dressed intelligently, and made sure to put on my standard jewelry, which often goes unused on "regular" days.  I put on my charm bracelet, my orange rhino bracelets, my silver necklace, my little earrings and my wedding band.  Decked out, I put on a nice shirt and even shaved my legs.  Starting the day with self-care and beautification really helps.

My friend was running the Sound to Narrows 12K in Tacoma.  She is the one who really got me ready and helped me stay inspired to run my first 5K, so I really wanted to show her our support. My 5-year-old and I made a sign, with the design and the lettering being entirely up to her.  Why not?  It's cute and a bit awkward, just what some fatigued runners may enjoy seeing along the way.

As the kids ate breakfast, I decided I would sit with them during the entire torturous process.  I was determined to enjoy them today, so I did.  It sounds forced, and sometimes felt that way, but it was my goal.

We made the drive to Tacoma, and I promptly got lost.  This was gonna be a good day, dang it, so I relaxed, took some deep breaths and asked for directions.  Long sections of road were closed off for the race, which had already begun, so I had to be creative.  We parked and walked...and walked...and walked...and I was completely lost.  There are a lot of roads and paths in the park.  I asked for directions, then found out that the man I asked didn't even speak English. Oh well.

The kids were starting to complain about being tired and having sore feet.  I was determined to have a good day, so I told them that we would rest when we found Kelly.  We could stop when we found the runners.  We kept our goal of finding the race at the forefront, and I just kept walking.  They stopped whining and kept up with me when they realized I wasn't stopping.  We got to a corner, and there the runners were!  We stood for a few minutes and then Kelly came into view.  She waved, we waved, we all cheered and did high-fives, and the other runners got big smiles on their faces.  Mission Accomplished!  Good day achieved!

Then I figured, since the runners are going in a big loop and we already have this awesome sign, why not catch Kelly at the other end?  So, after a bit more getting lost and asking for directions and being confused, we ended up walking along the back side of the zoo and seeing some buffalo (or maybe yaks?) and some peacocks along the back fence.  Spontaneous fun!  Mission Accomplished More!

We trudged and walked, the kids complained, and I promised snacks at our next stop.  I refused to let the complaining sink in...I let it go by me instead.  We found a corner at the other end, right before the last mile of straight uphill.  We got our sign ready, and I burned off some energy clapping and cheering for all the runners I saw.  They were on the home-stretch!  My daughter planted herself on the ground and waved at the runners.  There were so many smiles I lost count.  Kelly came around the bend and we cheered our heads off.  We stuck around a bit longer and cheered for more runners, really spreading the love.

I realized that in my determination to have a darn good day, I was energized and excited to love these strangers who were pushing themselves for the race.  I had good energy, and sharing it only made my energy stronger.  I felt a bit self-conscious for the first while that I was cheering and clapping, standing on a corner by the zoo parking lot, with two little kids rustling in the bushes.  Then as I got more into it, I remembered how much I loved having people clap for me in my race.  I gave it all I had just for them and I gained so much positivity it was fantastic.  Mission Accomplished Even More!

The kids finally got bored enough that we headed back to the main park.  I asked for directions from a police officer and immediately got lost again (don't judge:  Point Defiance Park is enormous!).  Thank goodness for GPS on my phone.  We walked until we found our bearings...and a duck pond!  We sat and ate granola bars, and talked about which ducks are boys or girls, why they dip under the water, what they eat and why we shouldn't give them our granola bars.  We wandered over to the bathrooms...and they were clean!  And my son's pants were accident-free!  Mission Accomplishment Reaching Maximum!

There is a huge fenced-in rose garden in the park, so the kids and I went in.  Being early June, they were all in their blooms of glory, and the kids ran around exclaiming over each and every blossom, sniffing and loving on the flowers. There was a fuschia test-garden, and then more roses.  I sat on a bench while the kids soaked up every blossom they could.  I wanted to take pictures, but then I decided to totally experience the fun instead.  Mission Experienced!

By this time our feet were sore and it was time to head home for lunch.  On the way back to the van, I realized that I was in a wonderful mood, the kids were doing great, and nobody had shouted or been angry once all morning.  We were tired, and all of us were a little cranky from it, but we were in good spirits.  Starting the day with strong intentions and a desire for a good day really made a difference.  Taking a little bit of time for myself to draw my mind to where I wanted it to be made the morning what it was.

I have control.  I can make it happen.  Once the momentum starts, it is easy to keep up.  Taking those few minutes to get myself in the mind-space I wanted got me off on the right foot.  I even asked my kids how they felt about the day, and they talked about watching ducks, cheering for Kelly, seeing buffalo and sniffing roses.  They don't even mention the "death-marches" or the twisty roads or the sore feet.  I think they took their cues from me and that was all it took.

There is a power to determined positivity.  It works, and it is self-perpetuating.  It just needs to be planted and watered and allowed to bloom.  Positivity is a choice, a choice that is not always easy or palatable.  Sometimes it feels forced, but ultimately it is worth it!

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Celebrating Imperfection

"I drive myself less crazy when I focus on the things I can control." --Love & Logic Facebook feed

I've been doing a lot of self-improvement this year.  For some reason, I have decided to embark on a journey of discovering self-love and improving the type of person I am.  This has been a difficult, often painful journey.  Just this morning I was thinking about it and wondering, "Why now?"  Am I getting wiser as I get older?  I'm not so old (unless you ask my kids) that I don't have a whole lot to learn.  

But in the past 6-8 months, improving my relationship with myself has been a top priority.

I think it really started when I went to a 3-day workshop called "Letting Go of What Has You" back in October.  For about 6 months prior to that I had been seeing a therapist for depression and general angst, and she encouraged me to attend.  I wasn't sure I wanted to, but she pushed hard enough that I did.  For this I am thankful, because it started me on a steeply uphill, but ultimately rewarding and life-changing journey.

As my journey has progressed, it seems that the tools for what I need just manifest themselves out of sincerity.  This is important to me, and because I am dedicated, everything I need is simply being made known with little to no effort on my own.

After the Letting Go Seminar, I attended PTI.  Out of that came a community I didn't realize I needed.  I already knew I was lonely, but hadn't realized how lonely I really was.  Friends like these only come along under rare and fortunate circumstances.  Honestly, the bonds formed after experiencing PTI are like none other I have ever known.

My home needed cleaning, and I found the courage to ask for help from my parents, then shortly after that, I re-discovered my Beauty Box.

As I gained momentum, my guilt and shame over some poor parenting habits came to the surface.  It was painful to work through them, and I really am making an effort.  It is really, really hard to be the kind of Mom I want to be.  I have had to work through and release some of my preconceived notions, and some of my own guilt.  With the internet right there, I had really spiraled myself into feeling like I was an utter and complete failure.  I was setting my standards based on what I was reading on Facebook, Pinterest and the blogs of the world.  How can I possibly measure up?  I must be a failure.

I'm not!!  I discovered Love&Logic parenting, Celebrate Calm and The Orange Rhino.  I now get their newsletters in my email, and I follow them on Facebook.  I don't need to be scolded about yelling, reminded how terrible TV is, or berated for thinking Otter Pops are a good snack.  I need to be reassured that parenting is hard, that being compassionate every second of the day is not humanly possible, and that it is okay to dust myself off, apologize to the kids, and try again.  A few tips for being successful for the next time are always welcome encouragement as well.

Then I started running.  I have discovered that I think I might like it.  The running just started really on its own, with encouragement from a friend.  The app I used was so easy, it tricked me into thinking I could do a 5K...and it was right. I still laugh when I think about it.  Okay, so it wasn't quite that easy, but it really was surprisingly less difficult to train for than I thought it would be.

So many opportunities for fine-tuning myself have shown up in the past few months.  I really wonder what the corner was that I turned, but I definitely like it.

I am working on being more forgiving of myself.  My imperfections are a part of me, they are who I am.  This doesn't mean that I can't polish them up a bit, maybe sand down a few rough spots.   This quest to recognize the beauty in my life is an adventure.  In simply celebrating my imperfections, recognizing what I can do to bolster them up, and having greater love for the little things, I am feeling lighter and cleaner.

Some parts are still pretty rough.  Housekeeping is such a drudgery and a challenge for me.  I recognize this about myself, but the next step is to have enough love for myself to refuse to be a victim.  I will not be a victim of a messy house, or my stubborn refusal to maintain it.  I will do what I need to do to have a pleasant, live-able space for my family...and I will get back up again when I fall.

Seeing others with compassion is something that has gotten easier for me this year, while having pride in myself and believing in my own power.  I was challenged by a colleague to transfer this to having compassion  for myself.  I really do feel like I am on track, and it is a beautiful thing!

Today, I celebrate imperfection and everything beautiful that entails. I celebrate my humanity, that I am dust, that my imperfection gives me opportunities for redemption in my relationships. Imperfection means I walk without the burden of the perfect answer, the perfect solution…because sometimes there isn't one. It relieves me of the compulsion to control people and situations. Imperfection allows grace and mercy to flood my life. Imperfection means right relationships are more important than right behavior. –Celebrate Calm

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

We Were All Sick

A very potent tummy bug hit my house at the end of last week.  This is not your standard tummy bug, no 24-hour ickiness.  It was horrendous.

To spare details, let's just say that everyone in my house has either been throwing up or cleaning up since Thursday evening, and I'm still lacking in appetite.  It hit me Saturday evening, and I spent all day Sunday feeling for all the world like I had malaria again...fever, headache, bone ache, sweats and chills, nausea...terrible.

Part of my journey is to seek the beauty in my every day life.  Some days it is easier than others.  I have not seen much obvious beauty in the past 5 days.  Here is my attempt to recognize the beauty that has made itself known during these dreadful several days:

• Only one of us was sick at a time...and my husband didn't catch it at all.
• Coffee grounds sprinkled generously on a spatter will absorb the mess and cover the smell, making it much easier to clean up.
• Resolve Carpet Cleaner is a beautiful thing.  It's like an infomercial in a bottle.
• My husband's trusty Shop-Vac got a hefty workout and never once quit or failed on us.
• Swiffer Wet-Jet with refills.  'Nuff said. 
• I stocked up on Gatorade a few months ago when it was really cheap.  I was able to just put it in the fridge from the pantry to have on hand, rather than having to run to the store.
• My washer and dryer are work-horses.  They were going all weekend with sheets, blankets, clothes and jammies, and they never complained a bit.
• Scented candles are my friend.
• Lysol wipes get dried on ANYTHING off of ANYTHING.  So do Mr. Clean Magic Erasers.
• Toddler mattresses are covered in plastic so when the diapers continuously fail at night or nap, clean-up is nowhere near as bad as it could have been.
• Tylenol reduces fever so that this exhausted Mommy could rest at night.
• Hot showers feel soooo good at the end of a day of fever 'n' ague.
• We are all able-bodied and strong enough to withstand a long-weekend plague and come out ultimately unscathed on the other side.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Hopscotch

You know what's hard?  Hopscotch.  If you play it right, there are a lot of moving pieces involved!

There's the hopping bit, but also the tossing of the stone and picking it back up again on the way back!  You have to remember which square you are on, try not to step on the lines, pick up the rock without falling on your face, and survive the cardio. Drawing a relatively square hopscotch is pretty tough, too.

I was soundly beaten by my 5-year-old.  The kid is really good!  She would play every single day if we could.

Nothing shakes the blahs like a good round of hopscotch.  I need to find a way to play it inside on a rainy day, since we get our fair share of them in Washington.  Just a bit of movement, giggles about falling over, and the physical challenge can really help ease tension.

Hmmm....I need to get creative.  Maybe I can make something out of string, or strips of fabric.  Maybe I could paint it on the kitchen floor with tempera paint, let it dry and then wash it off when we're done.  I'm not sure yet, but I have decided I need indoor hopscotch.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

49:20.4

The logo on my t-shirt

I ran my lifetime first 5K earlier this week on Memorial Day.  That's 3.1 miles.  I jogged the entire way, without stopping, and it didn't kill me!  The steep hill at the end was a dirty trick, but I didn't once fall on my face, get sick, or stop. I gagged on the water they gave out half way through and ended up spitting it out, but I never stopped!

I blazed the race, placing 222 out of 264.  I averaged a 15:55 mile, finishing in a glorious 49:20.4.   I have been practicing since the middle of March, when it seemed like the end of May was a long ways off.  There is a free app I downloaded on my phone called "Couch to 5K" by ZenLabs, which made learning how to run so far an attainable task.  Before I knew it, race day was here...and I DID IT.

That last 0.1mi was straight uphill.
I saw my smiling husband and children.
They are worth the extraordinary effort that it took to wave.

You know you are a slow jogger when a man in sandals with a limp walks beside you and jaws your ear off for the first mile...before dashing off to join his wife several yards ahead of you.

You know you are a slow jogger when the race-winners are on the back leg of the route, passing you on their way back IN before you even exit the property.

You know you are a slow jogger when all of the stroller-walker Mommies pass you.

You know you are a slow jogger when you have to scoot to the side of the road on your way to the finish line to avoid being hit by all of the winners driving away after the awards ceremony.


And you know what...this slow jogger did it with 100% effort and deserved success.  I had to dig really deep, and I did it.

My daughter's rendition of the events of the day.
I believe I am the one at the bottom.

You know you are loved when your half-marathoner friend says that if you do a 5K, she will run it with you. She then celebrates with you on Facebook chat every single day as you practice and check in with her on your progress.  And at the end she gives you a medal and a runner car-decal as a prize because she is so proud of you.

You know you are loved when another friend surprises you and drives over an hour to show up to cheer you at the start, and cheer you on at the finish.

You know you are loved when a precious girlfriend sends an email the night before that says, "I picture you joyous, fierce, and glorious as you glide through that 5K tomorrow. You are the embodiment of beautiful.  You put the cour (heart!) in courage. Love you, I am cheering you on until my voice goes hoarse."

You know you are loved when your husband hauls the 5-year-old and the 3-year-old to your race, and wrangles them in the rain while brandishing a camera to capture your moment of triumph.

You know you are loved when the 5-year-old and the 3-year-old are jumping and cheering "Go Mommy!" as you gasp your way to the finish line.  They then meet you with palms full of squished flowers as your award.

You know you are a winner when you can't control the laughter and tears as you cross the line.

I don't know who these doggies are, or who took the pic. I just found it somewhere
once and it amuses me to no end. I look like the dog on the right when I run.

You know you are a winner when you listen to the theme from Rocky in the car on the way home...followed by Chariots of Fire, of course, and feebly dance with what strength you have left.

You know you are a winner when you wear your new t-shirt the next day and fairly burst with pride, hoping every person you see recognizes what a cool thing you just did.

You know you are a winner when the 5-year-old says she is proud of you because she knows you worked really really hard and you did the best job out of anybody there.

The route was simple enough, mostly flat.  It was a cool, drizzly day, so the mountains that would have been visible were left to the imagination.  I chugged past several horse pastures, and that as a great deal of fun to watch the horses kick around in response to the crowd.

By the last half-mile I was toast.  I was digging deep for strength, and the face of a friend appeared to me.  He was almost tangibly present as I felt him running beside me and urging me on, beaming broadly at me.  I asked him about it the next day, and he said that at about that same time he was at his breakfast table wishing me strength and success.  Honestly, I believe we connected in a spiritual way at that moment.  What a cool experience that was!

I have another friend who runs ultra-marathons.  She loves it, but I think she is insane.  I will stick to my little races, thank you very much.  But she was very excited for me when I told her about my 5K, as if I had just broken a World Record or something.  I joked about being slow, and she said, "Speed doesn't matter.  What matters is getting to the start line.  Then you worry about the finish line."  I am a winner because I got there at all.

I am so proud of myself that I don't have the words.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!