Confession

I have a disheartening and painful confession to make.  My hope is that by making it public, I may gain some energetic encouragement.

I have fallen off the cleanliness wagon and into entropy.

There are great feelings of shame and inadequacy welling up inside of me as I confront it.  The part of me that was feeling so energized, proud and successful is weeping.  I was working so hard to keep my nose pointed ahead, and keep my attitude one of I CAN.

The excuses pile up faster than the dishes.  I took a week off to take care of me and rest.  Then the following week I felt like a slug and struggled to get out of bed in the morning.  Then all of last week I was fighting a case of  salmonella.  Now this week is mostly over, and every time I take a look at my house I want to curl up and disappear.  I hide from it in my office, spending the day staring at my computer.  It has been a month since I last mopped, vacuumed, dusted or tidied...and it shows.

My Beauty Box is sitting under some papers on the kitchen counter, beckoning to me. It no longer calls out to me with shame, but it is still calling.

Why is this so hard?  I was never any kind of athlete, I'm not a fantastic cook, I am no kind of artist, my social skills leave something to be desired...why is it so hard to exist competently?  I know from the weeks I spent really knocking it out of the park that I am capable of maintaining a home.  I have also proved to myself once again that I am really good at falling off the wagon.

Now is the time I have to take my own advice.  The only person I can control is me. The only day I have at my disposal is today.  If I take it just one little task at a time it will happen.  I truly believe these things.  I am sad that I have let myself down.

Things are BETTER than they were.  I am better about putting away certain things, and my pantry is still in order.  The kids are still picking up their toys every evening.  Things are definitely better than they were before my parents and I broke a sweat and cleaned the joint.  I am just infinitely discouraged that my bad habits have reared their heads once again.

I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, energetic embrace, or whatever it is that you utilize for healing.  Please help me to get back on track.  Every good thought, prayer or energy focus will help me put one foot in front of the other.  I hope to have my living spaces back to something I can be proud of soon.  I will start with one small thing, and let it develop naturally, as it did before.  This is really hard.  Entropy sucks.

I DESERVE a beautiful home.
I DO NOT deserve sticky counters.

I DESERVE a shiny kitchen floor
I DO NOT deserve pine needles on the carpet

I DESERVE to feel proud
I DO NOT deserve shame
I DESERVE love and respect
I DO NOT deserve this crushing weight of failure

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

My Favorite Day

I used to be so annoyed at how Pooh and Piglet had no greater view than what is happening immediately.  While I get that it is supposed to be childish in nature, even when I was a child myself I found it frustrating.  Why aren't they smarter and see that there is so much more than just where you are?  How come they have to be so very naive?

Now I see...it is the very source of their innocence that they live entirely in the moment.  What appears to be naivete is actually well-cloaked wisdom.  Does it matter what yesterday was?  Does it matter about tomorrow?  The only thing that truly exists is right here and now.

I remember saying to someone once, "I really wish it was Friday already!" and her response was something to the effect of, "I am glad it is today.  I don't like to wish my life away."  That irritated me as well.  I thought this person was scolding me for looking forward to something and being morbid about it.  As I have grown better acquainted with what it means to live in the present, I see that that is not the case.  There is nothing wrong with looking forward to Friday, but the caution is against doing it at the expense of today and all of the todays in between.

Of course I need to remember events and things I have learned from the past, and I need to plan for the future, but joy is only to be found where I am.  Today is not the first day of the rest of my life.  Today is the only day of my life that matters. I need to love and live now, it is all I have and it is a beautiful gift.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Car Karma

I find parking lots to be infuriating, especially at the grocery store in the late afternoon or early evening.  People are tired and single-minded...get me in, get me out and get me home.  As a result, the general driving being done is usually not all that intelligent and all of the decent spots are full.

After work, with the kids in tow, I am often tired from a day of working, overstimulated from the back seat chatter, and frustrated at the jaywalkers, dawdlers and unaware drivers that I am forced to contend with.

A few weeks ago, while in a particularly irritating snarl comprising of an old woman with no idea, someone backing out, two people blocking all exits while waiting for the same spot, and a screaming child in the back...I did another of my little social experiments.  I decided to take a breath. Smile. Sing a song.  Stop caring so much.

It was so crazy, but as soon as I decided to chill down a bit and release the feelings that really weren't serving me, room opened up for me to escape the snarl.  I squeezed out and left the mess behind, and suddenly an even better spot by the door opened up and I slipped right in.  By the time I got the kids out of the car and onto the sidewalk, the mess was still where I left it but the three of us were happily on our way into the store.

I decided to make this my new approach to grocery store parking.  Interestingly enough it always works.  Every. Single. Time. I completely relax, and suddenly a spot right by the door opens up, or the traffic snarl suddenly disappears.  Ultimately, I feel better.  When I pull into the parking lot, I start singing or breathing deeply.  If the kids are with me, I start joking with them or teasing.  For some reason, my deliberate and often forced attempts at levity work for me.  My husband has dubbed it my Car Karma.

I know that telling a joke isn't going to magically make traffic jams go away or parking spaces open up.  But when all of the others in the same parking lot are tied up in knots over the stresses they are facing, my personal release of it increases my flow. I am not sure if it just allows me to see a bigger picture, spaces that were already there, or if it actually changes the energy of the situation. I don't really care which, because it works.

It works in so many other places as well.  The other day my husband came home and told me that he gave my Car Karma a shot when he went to the store.  I worked for him, too!  I have used it at the airport and I have used it while on hold with customer service.  Perhaps keeping calm and joyful, while staying clear about the big picture is just making life easier to cope with.  Perhaps smoothing out my own energy is affecting the energy of those around me.  Perhaps things really do physically change for the better simply by untangling my thoughts and nerves.  Whatever...it works.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

The Chanting of a Child

असतो मा सद्गमय
तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय
मृत्योर् मा अमृतं गमय
ॐ शांति शांति शांति - बृहदारण्यक उपनिषद् 

Om Asato Ma Sat Gamaya

Tamaso Ma Jyotir Gamaya
Mrityor Maamritam Gamaya

Om-Let us be led from the unreal to the Real
From darkness to the Light
From mortality to Eternity

My husband was desperate one night to find a song with the right cadence and rhythm to sing our son to sleep.  When he came upon this one, we discovered that it works like a charm.  Our children now ask us to use it to sing them to sleep sometimes, and they like to hear it in the car as well.

On the way to school, my 5-year-old often asks to listen to this particular mantra, called Om Astatoma, as recorded by Deva Premal.  When I researched it, I found that it is a passage from the Upanishads.  She asks for it to be played repeatedly.  When I sneak a peek at her in the rear-view mirror, she usually has her eyes closed and is mouthing the words along with no shame or presupposition.  It is an amazingly beautiful thing to watch a small child in sincere prayer.  She radiates an innocence, a pride and complete immersion into the joy she derives from it.  On these days, by the time we arrive at school she has clear eyes and is grounded for the day.  It is amazing what 15 minutes of sincere meditation can do for even a small child.

When she sings along, she knows the words with confidence.  She has a smile on her face and chants along with the clear, high confident voice of a child.  It is the most beautiful part of my day.  If she starts singing before I start driving, I will close my eyes and just listen to her.  It warms my spirit and uplifts me, causing my heart to swell and a smile to stretch from ear to ear.

My daughter has asked about mantras and meditations, and what they mean.  My explanation to her was simple:  We focus on what we want more if in our hearts, and we spend time praying and welcoming it in.  It is a part of our spiritual practice.  Sometimes she makes up her own chants and sings them for me.  The other day it was "I love ponies.  I love ponies.  I love ponies," which she sang over and over again.  We talked about what it meant, and we came to the conclusion she was chanting about beautiful things and how special they are to her, and love of creation.  It was a chant of gratitude.

Another one of hers is "I like everything.  Everything is good.  I like everything.  Everything is good."  She sings them in that sweet 5-year-old way of singing something with no real tone to it...but still a song.  She will sing her mantras for 10-15 minutes at a shot, sometimes dancing around the living room, sometimes in a half-lotus on her bed.  I truly admire how in touch she is with what kind of meditation her spirit needs at a given moment.  She is turning into a true meditation and prayer champ!

I am thankful to my child for reminding me how simple it is to pray.  All we need to do is find what our spirit needs and follow its lead.  When I sincerely follow my own soul in prayer and meditation, I find myself uplifted and gratified.  She is the most beautiful gift I have been given, and she reminds me daily that I have my own beauty if I can only share her innocence.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Inbox

There is something to be said for an empty email inbox: it is a beautiful thing.  I make a point of filing all of my emails and cleaning it out (along with the sent-items folder) as my last work duty every day.  It feels good, like the day truly is complete and I have met all of my work requirements for today.  It is a beautiful thing to see an empty inbox and sent-items folder.  I know that tomorrow I will not have to sort through today's dregs to find the new items of the day.  Removal of the day's clutter feels good, it feels like I have allowed myself a fresh start for tomorrow.

It is like filing papers.  If I kept every paper piled on my desk instead of in folders or binders, I would have an overwhelming mountain.  I struggle with rogue papers cluttering my spaces, but when they are all filed and cleaned up, I always feel airy and light.  This is much the same.

If there are emails that will require follow-up tomorrow, I create links for them in my Task pane, and file the emails away.  Once my Task pane is empty, I am assured that all of my obligations for the day are met, even the carryover from the day before.

Last night I didn't empty my inbox.  I opened the program and saw six things I needed to address staring me in the face.  Every time a new email came in, I felt a little bit overwhelmed, or dumped on.  This is not a beautiful thing.  It was a great reminder to myself of why I go through the extra effort every afternoon to empty that inbox.  Everything I see on the screen is for today only, there is no history or past issues clogging my inbox. Everything is filed away, where I can get it if I need it for reference.

I love the daily feeling of completion.  No matter what I have failed or succeeded at today, my inbox is empty and I know that tomorrow will be a new day.  There will be new imperatives from a boss or two, new students in panic mode, new learning mentors with strange questions.  My husband says it's an exercise in being in the moment rather than having to spread myself across the past and present. Getting a tiny little fresh start every morning is a beautiful thing, the communications part of my work day is a fresh slate.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Septic Tank Reminders

A person can never tell where blessings will come from.  Just when I feel like things are going smoothly, I hit a bump that reminds me to be thankful for what I have and to be willing to let things go.

Making a very long story short, the puddle in the yard discovered by my frolicking 3-year-old ended up being a backed-up septic tank with a dead pump.  It was gross and expensive, but there were so many beautiful elements where we learned important information.  While not ideal in any way, it happened in about the best way it could have:

• Flo Hawks is a 24-hour service company.  A septic emergency on a Sunday was no big thing!
• My kids were fascinated.  They pulled the kitchen chairs right up to the window and watched the whole process.  They shrieked about how gross it was, and were totally transfixed.
• I just paid our taxes last week.  The refund covers the cost of both emptying the tanks as well as the new pump...with a little bit left over!
• The tank was full to the brim, and backed up into the general plumbing.  While it took a few minutes of flushing and running some water to clear out, we caught it in time before there was any kind of major back-up into my drains or toilets.
• There are TONS of poop-themed jokes and puns that can be made (e.g. the pump crapped out)
• The kids learned about where all of our water and flushes go.
• I now understand why I was compelled to purchase those cheap, over-scented candles.
• We learned that the pump and the high-water sensor are on the same breaker (what genius designed that?), which isn't shared with anything else.  So now we know that we need to actually check the breaker on a regular basis.
• We learned that you are supposed to clean the filter in the tank once a year (oops) and how to do it.
• The pump was 20 years old.  That is almost 3 times the average life-span.  We were on borrowed time even when we purchased the house.
• The drain field seems to still be okay, so there's $10,000 we won't have to spend.
• I discovered that I don't know where my homeowner's insurance policy is, so I ordered a fresh copy.
• My children have had all of their shots and have medical insurance, so I don't have to worry that something terrible will happen to them from playing in the puddle.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Potty Training Stinks

Today I can only do a Mommy-rant.  I'm seeking beauty, and the thing heaviest on my mind is not showing its beauty to me.  Commencing Mommy-rant.

My children were sent to this earth for many reasons, one of which is to teach me patience.  Potty training my daughter took 2 years, and I was afraid she'd never be ready for Kindergarten.  It is still hit-and-miss on whether she will make it through the night, even with me dragging her to the bathroom at 1:30 AM every night.  My son is 3-years-old and it is once again irking me.  He gets the potty-ing part, and will last upwards of an hour if he has to.  He will go when I take him, but doesn't voluntarily take himself yet.  But the pooping...no sirree, he will not have anything to do with the toilet.

All that being said, somewhere there HAS to be beauty in all of this.  All I can see are poopy undies, wet pants, peed-on furniture, tired Mommy and frustrated toddler.  I need someone to help me find the beauty in all of this.

I am just emotionally done being the empathetic potty-training parent.  There are tiny pairs of underpants running my life.  I have nightmares that Thomas the Tank Engine comes alive and jumps off of the undies to scold me for how he is eternally being soiled by my son.  Yes.  I have these dreams.

I'm tired of having to watch the clock so that I don't miss the "window" and then end up having to clean a spot off the couch or the floor.  I'm tired of bringing home poopy undies from daycare, especially on days when I forget them in the car and discover my oversight the next day (ewwww!).  I'm tired of trying to coax a stubborn toddler into trying to poop on the toilet, only to have him walk off and soil his pants three minutes later.

I'm tired of my life revolving around who pooped or peed how much, when and where...then cleaning it up.

Where is the beauty?  Okay, so I'm learning my boundary and how far I can go.  I am practicing patience, and the reward will be so much greater when they are both teenagers and I have no idea what their bathroom habits are.  That is all a ways off...where is the beauty NOW?

Patience.  Love.  Nurturing.  Patience.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!