Little Helpers

I have two very willing little helpers, a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old.  If I make a task small enough, they very gladly and joyfully will do their best at it.  If a job is not done "perfectly" is it still beautiful?  What is the beauty?  Is it really in the aesthetic, or the energy put into it?  How am I defining and evaluating the beauty that I so deserve?

My 5-year-old recently requested a job, so I assigned her to dusting, and she declared it would probably be better to un-dust everything.  I coached her a bit while I was vacuuming.  Her heart really was in it, and she dusted as well as one can anticipate from a child her age.  The dining table is smeared from how much she rubbed it, and the bookshelves are still untouched, but my rocking chair has one very shiny rocker.

Do I count this as the weekly dusting completed?  Do I redo it after she goes to bed, or do I recognize the love and joy she put into it and see beauty there?  I will dust again in a week or two, maybe I'll give her a different job next time around.  Maybe I'll rotate her tasks so she can see what dusting looks like when a grown-up does it, while she gives something else a shot.

I asked her to change out the towels.  With great care she took down every towel in the house, including the kitchen towels, and replaced them with clean ones.  She took the Cars2 beach towels and hung them in the kids' bathroom.  This is not beautiful by adult standards, in fact it is a bit unnerving when you sit across from it.  But she emerged from the bathroom and declared it beautiful.  I see beauty in her effort, I see beauty in the pride she feels in a job well done.  She deserves beauty in her life.

My focus has been on the beauty I know I deserve, and now my focus is widening.  What about the beauty the rest of my family deserves?  I am not required to give it to them, they need to find it or create it on their own.  They are no more responsible for the beauty in my life than I am for theirs.  How do I share a home of beauty, when we all have different standards?

The most beautiful thing in my life is the love of my children, and that of my husband.  Our family is built on love, and I treasure that more than any aesthetic I could create.  My definition of beauty is shifting a little bit from where it was even a week ago.  Cleanliness and order are gradually becoming more valued in my home, and despite a few hiccups, I am still feeling driven and successful.  The balance I am seeking is finding where the beauty actually lies beneath the surface of the things around me.  The aesthetic beauty is the obvious first step, but there is also beauty in being able to be surprised and giggle at the state of the silverware drawer after the 3-year-old reorganizes it.

This is a greater, deeper beauty which I have only recently come to terms with.  The obvious messes and clutter were clouding my vision, and blocking my ability to see other forms of beauty.  Now that I am on a path to tidiness and cleanliness, I have nudged aside the roadblock, and intrinsic beauty is making itself known.

I DESERVE the beauty that comes from a tidy, clean home.  My children DESERVE the beauty of feeling proud for helping.  My husband DESERVES the love and joy that comes from a harmonious household.  My family DESERVES the beautiful love we share.  I DESERVE the beauty of a half-dusted rocking chair, because there is love and joy present in each streak.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Conscious? Not Yet.

Living consciously and staying aware of myself are proving to be a massive challenge.  Sometimes it feels like I'm focusing on failure because I am constantly having to bring myself back to now.

While kissing my husband, I had to remind myself three times to focus on what I was doing and the feelings I was enjoying.  I started thinking of work, then about what time I had to get the kids, then what's for dinner.  Each time I had to stop my thoughts and bring them back around to the moment.  I started feeling ashamed that I couldn't just turn off my monkey-brain long enough to focus on my husband and sharing love with him. This is not shameful, this is real.  I am continually hopeful that with each monkey-brain situation that arises, I can be more able to allow my brain to return to now.

Taking my daughter to Kindergarten this morning, I was celebrating with her that this week is her turn to be "Star of the Week".  She made a profile to hang up, and took some treasures for a special show-and-tell.  We were on time, and we were chatting.  I made her a special lunch, and she got to wear her fancy "high heels" to school for the occasion.  What I didn't notice:  I left my cell phone upstairs, and I didn't close the door to the garage all the way.  I was only partially present in the now.

When I got home, there was a Pierce County Sheriff vehicle in my driveway and an officer walking around my home.  I had set the alarm, and it had gone off and notified the alarm company...who called my cell phone, then my husband, then my mother-in-law.  My husband called 911 and had them come check things out.  I cleared things up with the police (a second Sheriff vehicle showed up while I was explaining), and went upstairs to grab my phone.  There were 11 missed calls.  My husband drove all the way home from work in a fright.  I had to make several phone calls and apologies this morning.  I'm working through the embarrassment.  

My confusion now is...what did I do wrong?  There were two very important now situations that required my attention.  Living fully in the present can't be monocular, because sometimes Mommy has to do more than one thing at a time.  How do I find that balance?  I needed to celebrate with my daughter about her big day and help her be ready for it, but I also needed to set the alarm and make sure I had my cell phone.

These things were not happening at the same exact same time, but there was a certain amount of shifting back and forth of my attention.  How do I focus on now when there are two different things happening now that are requiring my attention?  How do I keep either one from suffering when both are important?

I believe my subconscious is trying to help me.  After I got into the garage, I realized I didn't have my cell phone.  Twice on the way to school, I felt my purse and realized it was missing.  On the way home I was reminding myself to go up and get the phone right away and put it in my purse.  I was not present in the now of driving.  I'm so confused.

My unfocused, unconscious state this morning had an impact on so many people.  It was a real wake-up call about all of the work I still have yet to do.  I feel a bit deflated because I have been feeling so good about my progress to this point.  Being reminded of how far I have yet to climb is discouraging, it is not a beautiful feeling.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that all I can control is now.  I made a mistake, but there is still beauty right now.  I was unconscious this morning, but I can strive to be fully conscious now.

I DESERVE to be a conscious human being.

I DO NOT deserve to be punished for when I slip.

I DESERVE the kindness and compassion my husband showed me this morning.

I DO NOT deserve this feeling of discouragement.

I DESERVE to listen to my subconscious and give its voice some credit.

I DO NOT deserve to constantly be second-guessing my instincts.

I DESERVE now.

I DO NOT deserve embarrassment or shame.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Slat Blinds = Evil

Whoever invented slat blinds is on my bad list.  Whoever installed them in my house (before we owned it) is a very rude person who clearly has the wrong priorities.

I dusted the blinds this morning.  It was no easy feat, and it was stinkin' TEDIOUS.

I had to talk myself through the process very firmly.

"All I have to do right now it dust the blinds.  I have no other priorities.  I deserve the beauty that will result from dust-free blinds and the cleanliness of it.  This one slat in my fingers is the only slat I am doing.  When it is finished, it will add its individual beauty to the whole.  When I am done, it will be satisfying and wonderful.  I need to do this with care so it is complete and sincere.  I must remain present."

And so on.  

I accidentally broke off the molding at the top, which, in the past, would have ended up tossed precariously onto some junk pile somewhere until my father visited again and he took care of it out of boredom.  I stopped what I was doing, got out the step-stool and pinched my fingers a few times while I figured out how to reattach it.  Now the job is done to completion.  Small victories are so gratifying.

In the past I have hurried through and "zoned out" while doing this job.  For some reason, forcing myself to breathe my way through it, go slowly, and truly experience cleaning the blinds, I can enjoy them even more now.  There is this odd sense of peace and satisfaction.  I have imparted an intentional energy into their cleanliness.  I DESERVE the intentional energy of my dust-free blinds!

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Only Ever Now

My husband and I joined some friends at an "Introduction to Meditation" workshop this weekend at Yoga Soleil.  It is the coolest studio in an old building, just a few feet from a busy railroad track.  There is charm galore.

We have been learning in more depth about meditation practices in the last few years, and our friends are interested in it as well.  So we decided to support them on the journey and go with them.  I was looking forward to it for two reasons:  quiet time to be with adults, and to learn more about personal meditation.  Meditation is a relatively new practice for me, and I have only experienced guided meditation in a group setting, or devotional yogic chanting meditation called kirtan.  Both forms have been so beneficial to my spiritual growth and to finding the strength to really dig deep in my quest for the beauty I deserve.  I would like to start a personal, daily meditation, but I don't know how.

While I already was familiar with much of what was taught from the theoretical standpoint, it was beneficial for me to be deliberately taught various techniques of how to do it on my own.  I encourage everyone to learn about meditation and what it can do for the soul.  I can honestly say I will never be the same.

One thing the teacher said really resonated with me.  She said to look at your watch...what time is it?  It is only ever now.  That sounds corny, but when I thought about it for a while it started to really connect to my current journey.  When my monkey-brain refuses to settle down, I get frustrated.  In basic meditation, you focus on your breath and where you feel it.  I chant "In....out...in...out" as I focus on the sensation.  Suddenly, my brain goes to the fifty other things I need to make sure happen this week.  The key to living in the NOW and being fully conscious is when you recognize that your monkey-brain is at work, and bring it back around to focus on the feeling of breathing.

It is a peaceful feeling to recognize that all I can do is NOW.  All I can control is NOW.  I have the strength for NOW.  Tomorrow will come in due course, and yesterday is over.  This evening will come whether I want it to or not.  I want to love and enjoy the beauty in my home NOW.  If I focus on the messes I have yet to sort out, I am denying myself the beauty that is already present.  It is important to plan and have focus for the future, but the practice of living needs to be NOW.  I can clean just this one box in front of me, it's not that big.  The whole room is too big and scary, all of the work I have to do in the other areas of my life is frightening, but this one box directly in front of me is something I can do.

It is only ever now.  Conscious existence can only happen in the moment.  Being fully present can only happen if I pay attention to that monkey-brain and lovingly corral that sucker when it runs away.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Putting It to Bed

Rituals soothe me.  I love going through routine and the satisfaction of a task completed.  When I have a ritual or a routine, I know that I have not missed a step because I do it the same way each time.

I have a new routine that really settles me for the evening.  I sweep the kitchen (I even move the chairs around!), change the hand towels, wipe off the table, turn on the nightlight over the stove, wipe out the sink and then say out loud, "Good night!" to the room as I turn off the light.  It signals to me that my day is truly over and I can start to come down.

A few nights ago, I stood quietly by my counter in the dark and basked in the glow.  The lights from outside shone in and I felt peaceful and proud.  This is my kitchen.  This is the kitchen I DESERVE.  My kitchen is beautiful and I own it.  It is light and airy, and will be a beautiful place to spend some time making my breakfast tomorrow morning.  What a wonderful way to anticipate starting the next day!

Oddly enough, I have started looking forward to putting my kitchen to bed.  There is a consistency and a finality to it, and it is very simple and quick.  Putting my kitchen to bed is becoming a valued part of my day.  No matter what has happened today, I can go through this little routine and feel good about it.

This is the first time I felt ownership, pride and DESERVEDNESS well up spontaneously.  I am so proud of my kitchen.  I am so proud of my efforts and my success.  Not only have I earned the gleam of it, but I fully own the right to giggle about my shiny kitchen, and I DESERVE the pride welling in my chest as a result.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

The Beauty Box

In 2010, while on maternity leave with my son, I read the book Sidetracked Home Executives: From Pigpen to Paradise by Pam Young and Peggy Jones.  It is an amazing book. The ideas are simple and clear, almost seeming too obvious to actually work.  It is a very quick and easy read.

I was on maternity leave, so I had some quiet time.  After reading the book, I implemented their card system.   It is color coded, labeled as Daily, Weekly, Monthly or Seasonal, and each task that needs to be done is written on its own card.  The cards are then filed by the date.  I can pull out today's cards and know exactly what I will get done today.

This book and box were powerful tools that enabled me to get things in order.  It was great:  if there were fingerprints on the windows, I could indulge myself and ignore them, knowing there was a card to clean the windows coming up later.  The feeling of successfully having a clean home was amazing.  I was walking on air because I finally had the home that my guilt was telling me I was supposed to have.

Then the day came that I had to go back to work.  I was no longer home all day.  The cards were being crammed into the few hours between when the kids went to bed and when I went to bed.  I started postponing my chores, until I had a massive pile-up on the weekends.  It all spiraled out of control until the feeling of failure was too much and I hid the box under the junk pile by the phone.  A few times since then, the box has made an appearance when my shame became great enough for me to want to do something about it.  But it lasted a day or so before I failed again.  The box has sat on the counter for years, and every time I looked at it I felt resentment and the shame of failure.

With the momentum I now feel towards the BEAUTY I deserve, I decided to resurrect my chore cards.  I renamed my box "The Beauty Box", and in the lid I wrote, "I deserve the beauty this box will bring to me."  I wanted to reclaim the energy of this box as my own.  This box has symbolized resentment and failure for a long time.  I did some intensely focused meditation, and removed as much of the resentment and shame from the box as I could, while infusing it with pride and the energy of beauty.

I am reclaiming this box as mine, and the beauty it will enable me to maintain.  They were my "chore cards".  That name sounds too much like a "should" or like I'm maintaining my home for reasons outside of myself.  These cards are no longer chores, they are now my daily tasks.  I have also changed the wording on some of the cards to be more positive, as well.  The card that said "Clean junk table" has been replaced with one that says "Tidy surfaces".

For some reason, it is not innately obvious to me what should be done each day, or at what frequency.  This gives me the checklist I need to feel like I am successfully maintaining, and allows me to focus on just a few tasks every day.  When my cards are done for the day, I am done.  I can leave the dusting or vacuuming for another day, without shame or guilt, because I am trusting myself that they will be done then.

Now that I work from home, I can spread my tasks out throughout the day as work breaks.  My Beauty Box gives me a very nice middle ground between feeling anxiety over having to keep it all clean, and feeling empowered to maintain the home I deserve.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!

Stress and Fear of Failure

When I see a mess forming...I feel stress riding on its heels.  I fear that one dirty dish that starts the cascade.  You know the one.  The dishwasher is full, I'll empty it later, so I'll put my dish on the counter instead.  After that, they pile up almost instantly. I am living with a good-sized dose of fear.

I have worked hard to get my house in this condition, and I am working hard at consciously maintaining it.  In years past, I have found systems to whip the house into shape, only to let it slide in a month or two.  It is all a bit different this time, the drive is coming from a deeper source.  The goal is beauty, for ME, rather than abating shame over what I think I should be doing.  There is a change...but I am still me, and I still share the house with 3 other people who are not going through the internal changes that I am going through.  Am I strong enough?

How long until my desire to "do it later" wells up and kicks me?  I fear my procrastination. This inner saboteur is trying ever-so-hard to make its way out, and I don't know how to release it to the wind.  It is still an integral part of me.  I am trying to learn to love this side of myself.  At some point in my life, these tendencies filled a need and I had convinced myself that they were serving me.  I am trying to love them as part of what has shaped me, and release them for healthier behaviors.

Am I setting myself up for failure by even trying to succeed? I am still weak.  My fingernails are chewed completely off.  I overate on candy.  I lost my temper at my children.  I chose not to do my set cleaning chores for one day and I still feel guilt/shame...I want to learn how to relax and get over it.  The bathrooms are not so bad that they can't wait another week.  Bathroom cleaning day is Monday.  It's not the end of the world.

This fear of failure is painful, almost as painful as the fear of success that it results from.  Sometimes, this sense of looming dread and anxiety wells up in me and I feel almost paralyzed.  I have failed at this housekeeping gig before, I feel like it is only a matter of time.  I have grown beautiful fingernails only to chew them to oblivian during a movie.  Weight loss is something I've done with success several time, and I'm even better at putting it all back on with a vengeance.

There is a new weapon in my arsenal.  I DESERVE BEAUTY. This was not present before.  This time, it is all about me and there is no shame in it.  I not only want and should have beauty in my life, it is something I deserve.  I do not have the right to deny it to anybody, especially myself!

The beauty within my home is gaining momentum.  I feel better at it every day.  It is like starting a new relationship.  I'm in the middle of the giddy, awkward and shy stage, and but I am starting to wonder about where this is headed.  I still have a long way to go, a fierce uphill battle.  I am really putting off the Master Bedroom, that is going to be a big job, but based on how I feel now I think I will feel exponentially more proud when that is accomplished.

Once the house is complete, then what?  I don't want to stagnate, but the idea of moving on to another part of my existence terrifies me. What is up next? My body?  My yard?  My job?  Remaining present and fully conscious is my goal, and presently my beauty project is my home.  Once my house is in order, the next step will reveal itself with greater clarity.

Wow.  Those words sure come out easy.  My head is really swirling over it all.  I'm still figuring out what I seem to believe I should think and what I should do, versus where I really stand.

I DESERVE my beautiful home and the good feelings I have.
I DO NOT deserve anxiety over what is coming around the corner.
I DESERVE success.
I DO NOT deserve failure.

I deserve BEAUTY in my life!